So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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