I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
