just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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