apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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