i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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