The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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