dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Holy shit dude........stairs
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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