It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
