Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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