It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
