Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Did I show you my penis last night?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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