I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
