my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
