it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
