naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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