What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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