I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
