I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
