I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
