it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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