Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
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