she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
