ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
They have beer where we have blood.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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