the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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