I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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