Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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