i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
