Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
