How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
