dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
