How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
