god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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