All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
