so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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