Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
