My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
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