LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
