You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well I just put wine in my tea
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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