weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
