I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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