Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We're too hungover to prance.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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