Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
