she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
