just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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