Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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