Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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