i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
