i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
