I just pynch a tree in the face
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
