i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
