I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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